Parenting…it’s a journey that can sweep you off your feet, spin you around, and sometimes leave you breathless. It starts long before we hold a little hand in ours—if we ever get to do so. Whether you’ve felt the heartbeat of a baby against your chest or held onto the dream of one in your heart, whether your child dances earthside or twirls amongst the stars—your experience is valid, your love is real, and you are most definitely a parent.

A gentle warning: I’m about to share a piece of my soul, a tender chapter of my life. Please tread softly. CW: miscarriage 🤍

 

Written August 12th, 2023.

Yesterday would’ve marked 3 months pregnant. Today I would’ve been celebrating the start of my second trimester—where (at least in my last pregnancy) the nausea would begin to subside, my energy slowly but surely would be returning, and I would share the news of expecting our second baby with the world.

Instead, Jake and I held a sad, sweet, and potent ceremony to celebrate the life and magic that our Soul baby brought into our world.

Since I miscarried on July 11th, I’ve been holding off on the ceremony. Sure, there were logistical concerns we had to think about—where would we hold the ceremony, how would we do it in a way that felt true to us and allowed us to honor the short, but powerful life of our little one, etc. But really…I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to mark the official closing of this chapter because then it would be real.

But whether or not we were ready for it, it was time.

Jake and I gathered leaves, branches, and flowers from our yard and made a sacred wreath/nest/womb/altar for our little one. We put her inside, surrounded by nature’s gifts, and walked to the water. Jake shared beautiful, heartfelt words and a poem as I cried and cried, cradling the wreath in my arms, wishing things were different.

Eventually, I found my voice and shared what I was grateful for and what I had learned, even in Soul’s short time with us.

Soul was a powerful teacher. She gave us the gift of such happiness and excitement. We have such beautiful memories from the first day I found out I was pregnant and Aisy helped me surprise Jake. To the excitement she gave us as Jake and I traveled into the future and eagerly talked about what we couldn’t wait to experience as a family of four come February. She expanded our hearts and our capacity for love. She taught us that amidst deep grief, there is profound gratitude. She made us realize how incredibly lucky we are and how grateful we are for all we have. She showed us the strength of our relationship and our family and how as long as we have each other, we have the world.

After we took time with her on land, we swam out into the ocean (Jake did an incredible job navigating a couple of big waves 😅) and said our final goodbyes. Letting her go was so so so hard. All I wanted to do was swim over and gather the bundle in my arms and never let go. Instead, I watched as the ocean carried and dispersed the flowers, leaves, and branches. I watched as the small sac that held her in my womb returned to the womb of the Earth—Mama Ocean.

As we swam back to shore, we watched it all float away. I shared with Jake that I felt guilty and sad because I didn’t kiss what was left like I had felt called to because I thought he might think it was weird. He told me nothing I could do would be weird. I knew that was true and I internally chastised myself for not doing what I had felt called to—especially because I couldn’t get a redo.

But then I realized Soul was gifting me with yet another teaching—to listen to my intuition, to trust my Truth, no matter how weird it feels. And that I can’t be afraid to love BIG. Time on this Earth is precious. And there’s no point in holding back. Sometimes I’m afraid and scared by how much I love—Aisy, Jake, my family, my friends. It hurts to love so big. But it’s also beautiful. Soul was teaching me not to hold back. To love full-out, even if it’s big and weird.

As I was sharing this learning that Soul imparted to me with Jake, the wreath of branches returned to the exact spot we were. While it was now empty, the circle was still together, and the wreath came full circle back to us. It was so beautiful. We took what was left of the wreath and one of the cool, long red flowers and laid it on a stump in our yard to be with the Earth.

It was hard, it was messy, it was magical, it was devastating, and it was perfect.

I love our family more than anything and I feel so lucky to have Jake and Aisy. And now Soul 👼🏻🤍✨ She is forever with us and we are forever with her.